I felt even more terrible and depressed after the sex than before, which has always seemed to be the pattern with him. I was mad at myself for letting that creep back into my life so easily, knowing that he wouldn’t give me what I needed that night, emotionally and/or physically. He was a user under the impression that he was some kind of incredible fuck, the only reason I fell for him in the first place was because of the ‘Mr. Nice guy’ he pretended to be, and once I saw the lie he was living, I still couldn’t seem to see past what I thought was the ‘real’ him–someone caring and kind, not cold, who I should have patience with to someday open up emotionally, or at the very least get me off, the way he kept bragging he would. Anyway, to make a very long story short, after Matthew left, the void in me grew exponentially. I felt so much lonelier and so much more vulnerable afterwards, as I always did after sex with him, and still needed the TLC that I’d needed earlier that night, just. ‘I will, I will!’ ‘Then why is it you are going backwards?’ Caja Nain, who had raided jam out of the provisions tents of all the Quarters in turn in Fourth Sietter with her until they were caught and he was punished and she got off free because she wept when Rania and Loisir’s father, their old Commander, tried to discipline her, let go Rania’s reins and stared at her from a pinched petrified face. Her face was motionless. He saw a recently healed wound ran across the bridge of her nose. He saw her slanted dark blue eyes staring intently into his. He could not bear those eyes that loved him, and she had been a baby Lieutenant by his side, to look at him so. He gave a yell and kicked his horse forward, his sword was raised to meet hers. Her sword flashed up in her hand, her other arm came up, she was holding Challenger only with her knees. Her sword met his with a crash. She stabbed shallowly into his shoulder with her dagger and caught him in her strong embrace as he slid in his.
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